I clutch on to the phone, hoping I’ll hear something that’ll lighten my heart a bit…even just a bit, but there are no more words coming from across…I can hear you breathe, I can feel your pain, and I wonder for one moment, what hurts more at this moment…my breaking heart, or yours. I can feel your frustrations at the unfairness of it all, and just for a moment I want to keep aside my angst and take you in my arms and say,"When was life ever fair, we’ve always made the best of what we have been dealt with haven’t we. We will even now. Don’t you worry. We’ll get thro’. A day at a time, but we will get thro’ even this.”

Without realizing it I have actually said the words, I hope fervently you’ve felt my hug…

You say softly as if you know your words have caused pain and now you want then to soothe and ease…after all words is all we have these days, to touch each other. Words. You,” I’ll try my best Toops. Everything possible. But it might not be possible this month, or the next, just a matter of months you know we’ll meet in august; I’ll make it up to you then. I promise.”

I try to inflect a smile in my tone, “Yes! You try, if we can’t meet up now that’s okay, till then I’ll think up of all the various innovative ways you can make up to me dude, so I’ll keep busy…and you better keep fit to keep up with me”

I can hear you sigh, is it a sigh of relief that I am smiling, or a sigh that says, you can’t fool me girl but I’ll go with this it’s all okay scene for now. After all you know every feeling that touches me almost as well as I know it myself. You are the only one aren’t you who knows me, better than even I know myself sometimes. I know I haven’t fooled you, but it’s a way of keeping things normal in this unnatural way we live.

You laugh,” Hey I can keep up with you girl don’t you worry. In august, lets get away to Goa. How does that sound? The sea and you…”

I let myself dream a little, and imagine us in Goa…The Sea and Us.

All I can say is yes, I don’t imagine in words, I know how to put it in words sometimes…but sometimes I don’t want to try. 

You get another call, you hurriedly say,” Have to go toops, take care girl. Please take care. Remember I’ll always love you.” I can barely whisper," take care." before I hear the dial tone.

I cling on to the phone, for a minute more…still feel connected. Then slowly I let go of the receiver.

My mind it understands the reasons why we can’t meet, but the heart it still breaks…

I have been weaving dreams of our being together, in Dalhousie, in Kashmir, anywhere, just you and me, since so long. I wrote about it. I painted those dreams,

I lived them a hundred times in my mind. I lived through the year for ‘May’ knowing we’d meet. And now it’s maybe August.

Tears cloud my eyes. Pour down. Endlessly. There’s a lump in my throat, and an ache in my body that’s got nothing at all to do with a sore throat and a fever bogged body. I break inside…Strong outside. That’s how I feel. I wish I could numb myself. I wish I could deaden this body which craves you with an overwhelming passion. Just you. No one else will do. I wish I could numb this heart which loves you with this mad insane intensity. Just you. No one else will do. 

I wish…at midnight sitting alone on a sofa curling within myself, crying out in pain that’s ripping me, I ask, why ? Why can’t I be granted these small dreams, Is it too much that I ask for? Just some togetherness to make memories till the next time we meet. Why? Why can’t these simple dreams happen? Why do they need to break? Just being with my soulmate...is it too much to ask? In the dark night I watch with tear filled eyes as once again the darkness of lonelyness engulfs me. I crawl under the cold covers of this dark blanket, which is going to be mine till august...I settle there, alone.

Last year, we were together, only for 50 days. Coming alive only for 50 days and being half dead the rest of the year. This year we were to meet in May, and now it’s maybe in August…

My mind it understands the reasons why we can’t be together…but my heart, it still breaks.

me.